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Misinterpreted History of Valentine's Day

Amy Richards

 

Ancient Times: At that time pagans were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as inkjets and lasers. Instead they used the blood of goats of dogs as primitive forms of ink, and the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them "Who's yo' daddy?"

Christianity: Now, let the pagans have their uncivilized fun and festivals, and who has to come along and ruin it? First, it was PETA blowing the whistle on animal cruelty. Then it was the early Roman Catholic Church, who was jealous that the most exciting holiday on their calendar was forty days of giving something up. So, they adopted the holiday to have wild parties. They gave the holiday the new name of ‘St. Valentine's Day’. Saint Valentine performed secret marriages and was known in certain Bishops' circles as a master of Kama Sutra. Later, he was sentenced to death for some oppressive reason. Before his death he sent his lover a card (£2.50) signed "Your Valentine."

Medieval: In medieval Europe, the people believed that the 14th of February was the day that birds selected their mates. Hence the term "lovebirds". The first card was officially sent at this time from a prisoner in France. The card was actually a cryptic message plotting his escape. Unfortunately, the wife was flattered by the message of love and ignored the plan. Later her husband was beheaded.

Victorian: Everything was mass-produced, and materialism killed the spirit of the holiday. Oh the joys of the Industrial Revolution. It turned the world into faceless masses, inspiring Ayn Rand novels, and in turn inspiring lots of college kids not to pursue a major in English.

Modern: Today, children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give candy hearts either for the sugar high, or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs. Jones’  classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts. They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in town, leaving singles to make reservations at McDonalds.