THE JOY OF BEING A CHURCH MEDIUM?

by

JACKIE BRIAN

I feel it my duty to relay to those of you who may be considering the possibility of serving churches as a medium, the joys and pleasures of so doing. Now, where shall I start…? 

Having conscientiously found out where the church is, I undertake the journey by public transport, as I don’t drive. You can count on one of the following happening (1) there is a transport strike (2) it is pouring with rain (3) you will wait at least twice as long as you normally do for your bus/train.

This, of course, leads to me having a panic attack about being late, and considering the possibility of going by taxi or giving up altogether and going home. Most sensible people would follow the latter course of action… but me, never!  Just when I am on the point of giving up, the bus/train arrives.   This invariably leaves me with just enough time to get to the church if I run which is never a favourite occupation of mine!

Having reached my destination, breathless, not feeling at all spiritual, I am welcomed by the chairperson or some other member of the church usually to be greeted with something like “Oh, so you’re the medium for this evening”.  After this rapturous welcome, one is usually shown into a small room (some would say cell) and left “to sit quietly”. This is usually the last thing I want to do, but one feels a nuisance if you dare to intimate that you do not feel like being shut away.  If you’re lucky, one is offered tea or coffee but this should only be accepted if you are in dire need because whatever you ask for will either be unavailable or arrives too late.

if you are lucky, the chairperson will come and speak to you and go through the order of service. You will be told at what time you should aim to finish the service and how long the address should be. Having digested this information in a matter of seconds, you are then escorted onto the platform. I should warn you that there is a strange phenomena about people who chair for you. They will either (a) forget your name (b) forget where you came from or (c) forget whether you have served the church before or not.

I am now sitting on the platform making my link with the spirit world and looking at the congregation wondering whether I have passed into the spirit world already, as most of the congregation seem to be remarkably spirit-like!  The last thing anyone in the congregation will do is smile. Hopefully, there will be between 10-20 people in the congregation, but who fall into the following categories (a) those who have only come because there is nothing better on television, and who hope they might get a message (b) those who are committee members and feel it their duty to turn up occasionally and (c) those who come because they enjoy the services - however, there are remarkably few in this category!

The service starts. The music begins….hmm, perhaps I should clarify this.    Unfortunately, there are very few people now who play the organ and so most churches play taped music. There also seems to be an unwritten law that people must sing as quietly as possible lest they be heard. Unfortunately, the person with the loudest voice will usually be the one who is tone and pitch deaf. This will lead to the rest of the congregation being ‘drowned out’. 

Are you enjoying this….have I whetted your appetite to become a church medium?  I feel it my duty to encourage all of you considering serving the spirit world in this way.

Next follows the address. I have, I will admit on one occasion, given into the urge to say “1, The Avenue etc” when the chairperson turned to me and said “I will now ask Jackie to give us her address”. I’m sorry, but I resisted it for years until finally I could hold back no longer. It did, however, raise a sound that is so infrequently heard in churches…laughter!  Giving an address is no easy task.  I would give you the following piece of advice. As soon as people look at their watches, fidget, sigh, or just get up and walk out, be aware that you have probably gone on too long!

Then comes the highlight of the service, so far as the congregation are concerned, as they only sat through the address and hymns order to get to the demonstration of mediumship.

I should also warn you here about one other thing about the congregation – most of them will suffer from spiritual amnesia. Rather than point at someone, I tend to say something like “I would like to talk to the lady in the third row wearing a pink top”. This will lead to the congregation forgetting what they are wearing, what colour it is, and whether they are male or female, and all heads will turn to look at the person behind them.  I have discovered that it is better to ask the congregation to note what they are wearing and what colour it is before I start! This will save a lot of time when you start to work. Also, you can be sure that the person who is hard of hearing is sitting at the back, and this will be the person you will go to with your first link.  There is also the strong possibility that at least 75% of your congregation will know nothing at all, or very little, about their family history.

The end of the service is soon in sight and you come to the closing prayer.  Now, I would urge you to consider the wisdom of keeping this as short as possible. Most of the congregation usually have one thought in mind - either to get home to catch something on television, or they have a bus to catch, and seeing as these are very infrequent if you are the cause of them missing their bus, this will not go down well.

After the service, you will be offered tea, coffee or refreshments of some sort. The chairperson will then ask you what you want for your expenses.  You may get the chance to mingle with the congregation, but this is not encouraged generally. Sometimes, you can get quite paranoid wondering why you need to be shut away from the general public. Do not worry. It is for your own good. All mediums need to be protected from the congregation bothering them after the service. At least, this is the perceived wisdom.  How often a medium gets asked as to whether this applies to them or not is a moot point.

Finally, my friends, it is time to find your way home, wondering why you agree to take services week in, week out. Why do I do it, I hear you ask.  Well, despite everything, when you know that the message you have relayed from the spirit world to someone has really touched them, and either comforts them or offers them hope, or whatever it may be, I know I really can think of nothing else I would rather do.  So, here’s to my next service and who knows, I may see you there!

Autumn 2003